The Art of Stepmothering
I tend to think of stepmothering as an art form I have yet to master. There are so many fine lines I’m not supposed to cross, don’t feel comfortable crossing, or I have actually become afraid to cross (lest I engage the wrath of the birth mommy).
When my husband and I first got married, I had a less than realistic idea of what my role would be as a stepmom. I imagined eventually developing a more friendly relationship with Savannah’s mom, involving myself in Savannah’s school activities, and playing a much more active role in Savannah’s day-to-day life. That’s not exactly the way it has played out (so far).
Almost immediately, I felt like I had stepped into a mine field. Every direction I chose seemed to set off a new bomb of anger or resentment. I purchased books on the subject of stepmothering in the hopes of finding answers that might solve the problems and lead to more peaceful solutions. Here are a few of the books I now have at my immediate disposal:
The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele
Keys to Successful Step-Mothering by Philippa Greene Mulford
The 312 Best Things About Being a Stepmom: (For those days when you can only come up with one or two on your own) by Cynthia L. Copeland
I read the books and took them very much to heart. They helped me have a deeper understanding for what Savannah’s mother was experiencing (although it wasn’t until I gave birth to Charlie that I truely began to understand her situation from a more meaningful perspective…finally becoming a ‘real’ mommy myself).
After doing my research, I made a few attempts to open up the communication lines between Savannah’s mommy and myself. At the same time, I tried to assist with some of the communication problems going on between her and my husband. (At the time, they were mostly sending nasty emails back and forth with very little effective communication or accomplishment.)
Unfortunately, my involvement only seemed to make matters worse. Things that seemed logical to me only seemed to enrage her further. I finally decided (after more than one emotional breakdown of my own) that I needed to step back and let my husband and his ex work through their own issues. It was my hope that more time might heal some of the obviously still open wounds. That strategy has actually worked beautifully (so far). The emotions seem to have become less raw, less frequent, and much more manageable. Unfortunately, this also meant that I had to step back in my attempts to be a larger part of Savannah’s day-to-day life.
Fortunately, Savannah and I have developed a very close relationship all on our own…without any of the ‘extras’ I originally imagined we would share. She loves her baby brother Charlie very much…and he thinks she is what makes the sun rise and set. I read her bedtime stories and tuck her in at night. I make her special breakfast meals and try to make sure she always feels a part of our family. We tell each other, “I love you” (and we mean it).
A few months ago, Savannah made a comment about me to Mommy Anna (in my absense). She said, “Some people think stepmoms are mean. But, they’re not!” Thinking about that puts a smile in my heart.
Although there is so much more I can share on this topic, I think I will end for now with one of my favorite quotes from page 53 of Cynthia L. Copeland’s The 312 Best Things About Being a Stepmom:
A counselor shared something with me that has made my life so much easier. She said that my job as a stepmother was to step back. Once I didn’t feel like I had to solve everyone’s problems and make everybody happy all the time, I could enjoy the good times and let the kids’ father and mother manage the crises. - Eliza, mother of two, stepmother of two
If you are a stepmother, I imagine you can relate to some of the issues I’m describing above. If you are still in the throes of figuring out your role in a new step-family dynamic, keep in mind that you don’t have to solve someone else’s problems and you are not alone.
Hang in there, stepmommies!
-Sophia
