Being a Motherless Mommy
First, I would like to acknowledge that my mother is still alive. However, my relationship with her has been severely strained since I was a kid. I can understand, if you are a mommy who has lost her mother due to her passing, that you may not consider my situation to be nearly as dire, since I still have hope and opportunity. But, in my mind there is little hope and the opportunities I take advantage of tend to get ignored.
When I was 16, my mother disowned me over our religious differences. I wasn’t allowed to speak to my siblings for many years afterwards. She would send me letters occasionally begging me to return to her faith. That would never turn out to be a viable option for me. I wrote many letters to her and my siblings…all of which went unanswered.
Fast-forward ten years. My mother decides she no longer wants to be a part of her religion. (Long story worthy of many, many blogs.) She contacted me and told me she wanted to see me. She showed up drunk. Thus began the next phase of our relationship which involves numerous rehab programs, numerous relapses, numerous times in which she lived with me or was homeless, numerous years of painful attempts to reconcile our differences…
Today my mother is sober (to the best of my knowledge). However, my relationship with her is severely strained, at best. I invite her to the important events: birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc. But she rarely makes it because she lives pretty far away and doesn’t have much money. Sometimes I pay for her flight and sometimes she drives. But, for the most part, we go for long periods of time without talking or seeing each other. We don’t talk on the phone. We occasionally send emails…but they are short and sweet. That fact is, I love my Mom…but, for all intents and purposes, she is not a regular or significant part of my life.
When I became pregnant with my son, I read a book called “Motherless Mothers - How losing a Mother Shapes the Parent you Become” by Hope Edelman. In this book, the author suggests if your mother is still alive you should do everything in your power to make her feel a part of her grandchild’s birth and life…regardless of how much she was or was not a part of your own life.
I took this advice to heart. My mother was the first person I told about my pregnancy with Charlie. She immediately came down to see me for Thanksgiving. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I took this as a sign that things might improve. I invited her to attend Charlie’s birth. She said she was very interested and thanked me for inviting her. As the date drew near, I called and emailed her the information on the location, date and time of my planned c-section. She never responded. Charlie was born, spent days in the NICU, and was home for two weeks before she responded via email. She was waiting to hear back about a new job and wouldn’t be able to come down for a visit for a while. It hurt. I had once again put my heart on my sleeve and she had once again disappointed. But, the sad moment passed quickly. Having my son in my life was the greatest joy I have ever experienced. I had no time or interest in dwelling on my mother and her inability to be there.
But, I still have moments when the saddness returns. Here are a few examples:
- When my kids have a special life event and my mom isn’t there - which is 90% of the time…and not because she wasn’t invited (birthdays, school events, etc.)
- When my son experiences a significant milestone (e.g. crawling, first word, walking)
- When my husband and I need time to ourselves and we have to use a sitter rather than a grandmother (e.g. date night)
- When I have disciplinary problems with my kids
- When I need someone to turn to personally
- When I talk to people who have wonderful relationships with their mothers
In “Motherless Mothers,” Hope Edelman lists eight themes that seem to repeat across many of us mothers who are (or feel) motherless:
- A strong desire to reactivate the mother-child relationship, while consciously acknowledging that this time one would be approaching the connection from the opposite direction
- A concern about not knowing how to “be a mother,” particularly with regard to raising a child beyond the age one was when loss occurred
- An intense preoccupation with the possibility that they, the child, or the spouse might suffer an untimely death
- A parenting style, often labeled “overprotective,” which involves trying to shield the child from physical or emotional harm, restricting the child’s behavior to keep him or her safe, and worrying excessively about the child’s happiness and security
- A commitment to being a good mother by being both emotionally and physically available to the child, and in many cases becoming the mother one lost or never had
- Difficulty tolerating a child’s feelings of sadness, anger, grief, or loneliness, which often activate the earlier memory of these feelings during the mother’s own childhood or adolescence
- A sensitivity toward age-correspondence events, such as reaching a mother’s age at time of death or having an eldest or same-sex child reach the age one was when the loss occurred
- The belief that having and raising a child has been an unparalleled healing experience with regard to the ongoing mourning process.
I don’t think I’m overprotective but many of these descriptions fit me. Although, I wonder if some of them fit any mother, regardless of whether or not they feel motherless.
Before I became a mother, I would often grieve the family I had lost and the family I imagined I would never have. Baby showers and birthday parties were often followed up by tears on the drive home. Becoming a mother has for me, in a sense, healed me of much of the pain I associated with the loss of my mother and siblings at such a young age. Now that I am a mother, I very rarely think of those painful times. Maybe it’s because I’m just too busy. Maybe it’s because my son filled some of that hole in my heart. I know there will be moments, as Edelman describes above, when the overwhelming saddness will hit me again. But, I am enjoying the amazing moments in between more than I can possibly explain in words.
Happy Mothering!
-Mommy Sophia
References:
Edelman, H. (2006). Motherless Mothers - How losing a Mother Shapes the Parent you Become. New York, NY.
